Day Twelve

Today, we went to Yellowstone.







It's been one of the best days ever.

It's about 40 miles to the entrance. So, we knew it was going to be another big driving day. And my GOD, it really was. We must have driven maybe 180 miles. But it was all incredible. Every single mile was breathtaking.

We've seen so much. We started by driving up Grand Loop Road, clockwise, towards Old Faithful. We passed beautiful trees, burnt trees, lakes, streams, rivers, waterfalls, a little creek filled with water lilies, forests, mountains. This was all in the first 30 miles. The ENTIRE time Tim was on BEAR WATCH.

We hit geyser country, and started to drive past steaming geysers, all very impressive until we got to old faithful. With ice cream in hand we stood with the HUNDREDS of other people, waiting for the 3.40 eruption. And pretty much dead on time it blew. UnBELIEVABLE. God, nature RULES. It was truly awesome.

Then we drove onwards, seeing canyons and more mountains. At one point we saw three small dots on the horizon. We decided these were bears.

Then we saw a BISON. OH MY JESUS. IT WAS HUGE. It was sitting by the side of the road, just chilling out. Two U-Turns later and we had it photographed. 10 minutes down the road we basically seemed to hit Bison country. They were everywhere. At one point a Bison started walking towards the car. I went into full panic, half wound up the window, put the car into park, tried taking the handbrake off. Tim is, at the same time (Bison now RIGHT NEXT TO CAR) saying

"Don't look at it! Don't look it in the eye"

Whilst I'm trying to get our parked car moving. God only KNOWS how we would deal with a Bear.

It was just so amazing. Everytime we saw a cluster of cars stopped, we would pull over to see what they were all looking at. We saw deer and elk and bison aplenty. If we'd had Binoculars we would have also seen WOLVES.

Started the drive back a little late. Ended up driving about 100 miles in pitch dark, rain, on roads with deer prancing about like idiots. It was really intense. Couldn't really see much. It was so scary. The stuff of horror films. I think we will probably leave a bit earlier tomorrow!

Yellowstone could be the Garden of Eden. Even the light seemed different, more magical.

Can't wait to go back tomorrow.

Day Eleven

Day Eleven was a big driving day. Very big. So we pottered around, had a Starbucks and hit the road at a casual midday. We then drove and drove and DROVE. Through beautiful Utah, with it's stunning mountains, so massive and green and craggy. Utah really is amazing.

And then we hit Idaho, which was also pretty awesome, and then Wyoming. We left the highway and drove single lane roads through fields and hills, massive open expanses of land. It became very wild west, men wearing Wranglers and driving trucks. We passed rodeos and horses and ranches. We passed crazy houses just built out in fields. It all felt very remote. It was quite incredible. Again, beautiful.

We drove for 325 miles, and then realised that our lodge was another 18 miles. We finally arrived, at our magnificent lodge, got into our pretty little wooden room, and looked out the window at the mountains beyond. So idyllic. And then, after a wholesome meal in the Grizzly Steakhouse, we slept. 350 miles is a long old way.




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Day Ten

Day Ten has been spiritual. Mega spiritual. Drove into Salt Lake City. Or, as we locals call it, SLC.

We parked on 200 South. To pay for the car park we had to find the number of the space, and then go to this strange machine, and poke the money into the correct numbered slot. Picture below. Madness.

It was a fun day. We had lunch at this cool southern themed cafe, and they served po'boys and drinks in jam jars. It was great, sitting outside. Tim ordered something called a 'trash plate'. Basically just a big pile of delicious FAT, cheeseysausageypotatoeyeggy goodness.

Went for a little walk, got accosted by about 19 homeless people, then pottered back to Temple Square to check out the Mormon-Fest. Temple Square is a massive space, in downtown SLC that is walled. Inside there are various big buildings. It's very peaceful, but slightly creepy. Lots if good Mormon volunteers, all walking around starting conversations with people, and SMILING. Timmy and I kept our heads down, lest we were converted.

In one room there is a massive statue of Jesus, and the walls are painted like space, with planets and clouds and stars. And there are sofas, and armchairs, so you can sit there, with Jesus. And then a VOICEOVER comes on, and it's JESUS! Telling us all stuff about being good, and whatnot. Quite unique.

When we came out I relaxed a bit by doing a silly walk. It helped shake off the god.

And then we came back to Lehi, did some laundry, chilled out a bit, preparing for Yellowstone tomorrow. Then, on Sky News, we discover a BEAR RAMPAGE attack has happened, AT A YELLOWSTONE CAMPSITE. UNPROVOKED ATTACK, on tents in a very populated campsite. Um, terrified much? So we then spent about 2 hours trying to find alternative accommodation. Somewhere with, like, walls and a door. It would be pretty tragic if we were eaten by a bear. So we are now staying at a lodge. It's super nice.

Day Nine

Day Nine was simple, and pleasant. It involved some nice driving. Good, straight and empty roads. Lots of opportunity for the wondrous cruise control. My word, what a brilliant invention. Who came up with cruise control? Genius.

The landscape was, again, pretty mind blowing. Great expanses of open plains, surrounded by these gigantic mountains. The driving is just a complete delight, because of the VIEWS. You just don't get bored of looking at the landscape. It's AMAZING. The sky looks much bigger, somehow.

We stopped at a little service station. It had mounted deer heads on the walls. Weird. And outside there were two native Americans selling jewellery. I bought a bracelet, mainly out of guilt for stealing their land. Fun.

So, Timbo and I stopped at Lehi, about 30 miles south of Salt Lake City. We booked into a Days Inn and headed out to a Tepanyaki restaurant. They sat us at a SHARED TABLE. ARRRRGGGGHHHGHHHH. THE HORROR. WE ARE ENGLISH. WE DO NOT LIKE SHARING TABLES.

So we left. Had a super chilled evening, watched some late night talk shows. Love the Late Night TV.




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Day Eight

We left the Bellagio today, which was a little bit sad. It's been totally wicked staying there, so it was a shame to leave. But 4 days in Vegas is ALL you need, and it was definitely time to vamos. So we left, and started the long drive to Fresno.

About 40 miles along the road we stopped for some fuel, some water, some food, you know, general supplies before hitting the desert. Over our Carls Jr lunch we were like

"So. This drive to San Fran is basically going backwards 700 miles, innit?"

"Yeah babes, it is"

"Shall we not go? Shall we just drive north instead?"

"Yes, let's do THAT. Let's go and visit the Mormans."

So that was that, and we headed north, towards Salt Lake City. We drove through the vast desert landscape of Nevada, hit the massive rock formations of Arizona and headed straight through to the mountains of Utah. The state motto is "Life is Elevated", I suppose because they have a lot of mountains. The drive has been incredible. At one point we were driving through this massive rock mountain, and the road was cleaved into it, looming up on either side. It was honestly mind blowing. There wasn't a moment of anything average. It was all epic and eye popping.

We stopped in Cedar City, which is about 200 miles from SLC. It's a nice place, surrounded by mountains. We had a very chilled out evening.

We went to Walmart. That could almost warrant it's own post. It sold everything. Rifle? Yep. Machete? Quilting Equipment? Yep. Flash Drives in an assortment of colours? Yep. Jesus. American supermarkets RULE.




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Day Seven

Today we did practically nothing. Had another slightly extravagant breakfast. The ordering process is amazing. They answer the phone KNOWING who you are

"Hello Miss Baxter, and how can we help you today?"

"Two American Breakfasts please, thank you"

"OK, and with the first American Breakfast how would you like your eggs?"

"What are the options?"

"Scrambled, poached, coddled, baked, sunny side up, over easy..."

"Ooh, so I'll have poached please"

"Would you like them poached soft, medium or hard?"

"Err, medium, please"

"And what meat would you like with your breakfast? Ham, bacon or sausage?"

"Um, I think sausage please"

"OK Miss Baxter, and what bread would you like with this? We have granary, wheat, bran mufffin, English muffin, bagel..."

"I'll have a bagel please"

"What kind of Bagel would you like? We have poppy, plain, sesame, onion, Cinnamon..."

"Ok, so I think I'll have sesame please. Thank you"

"Would you like that toasted?"

"Yes"

"Would you like cream cheese with that?"

Jesus Christ

"No, thank you"

"And would you like coffee or tea with that?"

Good god.

"Coffee, please"

"Decaffeinated?"

"No. Caffeinated."

I cannot believe what is happening.


"And would you like Orange Juice or Grapefruit Juice"

"Orange"

"Ok Miss Baxter. And would you like Iced Water and a free newspaper with your Breakfast?"

"Yea. Yes please."

"Ok. And for the second American Breakfast, what kind of eggs would you like...."

I mean, honestly this is basically a transcript. This is HONESTLY how many choices there were. The service at Bellagio is beyond anything I've ever seen. Or heard. Or experienced.

So we pottered about, did a bit of gambling, had some Cobb salad. Then in the evening we went to see Penn and Teller. Who were AWESOME. At one point they made goldfish appear in empty water. Amazing. They did loads of tricks, they were all super cool. And then at the end they wait in the lobby, and you can meet them. So we had our picture taken with both Penn and Teller, which was groovy.

We wandered back to our hotel, did some roulette, broke EVEN, and that was that. Another brilliant day - our first day as married people.




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Wedding Day

We have woken to a flurry of texts and emails and messages, all so loving and wonderful. It's very cool to be here just the two of us, but it's so nice to feel connected to everyone.

Change of tense: from Present to Past

Ordered breakfast to our room, which was mega bloody classy. It comes in on a table, with lids and stuff. Jesus, to be rich all the time must be so brilliant. Room service RULES.

We opened our lovely cards. We threw confetti about for a bit, we read all the lovely messages, we ate. Such a lovely card from El Tel and Sue, filled with confetti and sparklers and a little (large!) something extra for champagne. Then the (more) CHAMPAGNE arrived, from the mums, brought in by a man in a waistcoat. Such a great surprise. Also added to the general feeling of opulence quite a bit.

And then we just lounged about, until about 3 when we pottered out to across the street, wandered around the most magical mall ever. They had made it seem like you were outside, with this amazing sky ceiling, and one point there was a thunder storm, and REAL RAIN fell! Honestly, who needs culture and history when you have brilliant shopping centres with fake lightning?

So, meandered back to the room and I IRONED. Not for the first time ever, but certainly for the first time in recent memory. Wasn't too bad. And, you know what? The dress looked BETTER! Unbelievable.

We got ready (40 minutes of hair preening essentially pointless when i realised I didn't have hair spray - low point) we drank some champers and went down to meet our car. A big White stretch limo. It was wonderfully camp, and ostentatious. It was also wonderfully air-conditioned, which is super.

And THEN we arrived at The Little White Wedding Chapel. You know what it was covered in? um, FAIRY LIGHTS. BRILLIANT.

Then we "checked in". All hilariously efficient. Esmerelda (probably on her 55th wedding of the day) was like

"That will be $120 please. Would you like the blue garter or the red? Here is your Rose, give it to her and kiss her on the cheek. Come with me to meet your minister. Have a nice day."

All delivered over a counter. Hilarious.

Our minister was well cool. He seemed wise, and angelic, and godly. I think he was taken aback when we turned down the option for a prayer.

So, then we got hitched, standing up through the sunroof of the limo. It was completely and utterly perfect. Perfect perfect perfect. Married. Amazing.

And then our perfect wedding was followed by a perfect dinner, and more champagne.

An incredible day.







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Day Five

WEDDING LICENSE DAY. We went to the Marriage Bureau today. We filled out our forms in pencil, which in itself was mildly interesting. Pencil? How chilled out. Then we got our documents. It was insanely exciting. It was also the most simple process ever. We've been to Macdonalds that have taken longer. We documented the process with a lot of photographs. Strangely everyone else seemed quite serious, even morose. They weren't smiling or bounding or photographing at all! Why? Why? What's wrong with them?

Then we went to the Mall, bought our wedding rings, saw a pimp, drank some lemonade and came back to the room, dolled up then headed out to New York New York. Tim tipped the man at the taxi rank, like a GANGSTER, it was really cool.

Great dinner at Il Fornaio, sat out on New York street. It was brilliant. And then Tim did some more tipping - straight into the palm of the waiter!

Brilliant day.

Day Four

Today we drive to Las Vegas. The hills, coming out of LA were pretty awesome. Very grand. It made me think of all those poor migrant workers who trekked through California for work.

Then it turns into desert, and THAT made me think of that crazy lunatic in The Stand who walks through the desert and gets radiation poisoning.

The desert went on for a long time, and it is really really really hot. Unbelievably hot, bake you from the inside hot, ROASTING HOT. MAN, it's hot. But it's also just awe inspiring vastness. There is so much empty space, filled with just sand and rock and heat. It's a bit frightening. I feel it's full of danger and horrors.

I put my fingers out the window, at one point, to test the air. Tim accidentally closed the window on them. This is probably why you're always told as a child to keep your hands INSIDE THE CAR. It was very traumatic. Although, the excitement of the drive and destination totally outweighed the mashed up fingers. I pretty much forgot them quite quickly. One of them has started creaking, though.

Arriving into Vegas is pretty bewildering. It just seems so totally bizarre to build ANYTHING, let alone all these gigantic structures. Arriving at the Bellagio was quite dazzling. It's AMAZING. Like, mega mega plush. I LOVE IT. Tim loves it also. We bounced around our PLUSH room for a while and then hit the strip, dolled up. Obviously after playing with all the cool gadgetry and perks of the room. Opening and closing the curtains, for instance. When we got back the maids had tidied everything, laid out chocolates and put JAZZ on. It was like having really kind ghosts.

Vegas is completely crazy, but fun. We like it here, in a sort of outside-looking-in type way.





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Day Three

We went to Six Flags today. On the way to Six Flags it felt as though I was being driven to my death. The long slow walk to execution. But, actually, it was super fun! Jesus, those rollercoasters are fucking big.

But there weren't many queues at all, and we went on quite a few. They are enormous though. I was also frightened by the roaming gangs. On our way in, standing behind a man who was almost certainly carrying a gun, Tim was like, 'let's not piss anyone off today...'. Thus I was convinced if the rollercoasters weren't going to get me, then I was PROBABLY going to be shot.

It was so hot I think my shoes melted a little bit.




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Day Two

Hollywood Day.

We went to the Hollywood and Highlands Mall. This is on the Walk of Fame. All very large and shiny, like everything here. So, due to the crazy waking up early madness, we were there at about 8am. So we wander, we stop for a little coffee. We listen to some idiot at the next table banging on about something, I have some delicious whipped iced coffee concoction, it's all very nice. Then we meandered down the walk of fame, looking at the stars. Honestly? Seem slightly pointless. We went in a number of crazy souvenir shops, then found Grumans Chinese Theatre. That was fun. Clint Eastwood has GIGANTIC hands. Ginger Rogers had teeny tiny little feet. I took my flip flop off to illustrate, and by doing so nearly burnt my foot. But, whatevs. So, throughout all of this I feel like I'm literally dying of some terrible disease, as the cold I'm suffering is VILE.

Then I stepped in some gum. Very tricky with flip flops. Very sticky half melted gum. All over foot. Tim mocked me.

Then we went to a hat shop and a gun shop. Both were enjoyable. Only purchased from the gun shop though. Unfortunately I passed on a rather wonderful hat. Idiot. Timbo also could not find the right hat. So he also bought from the gun shop. Tshirts, of course. Not guns. Although mine does have a gun ON it.

Lunch at Mel's Diner. Bloody brilliant. Juke boxes on the tables, booths, milkshake, the whole caboosle. Timbo was practically struck mute with glee. He bought another tshirt to celebrate the excellence of the place.

Bit of shopping, bit of queuing, saw the Hollywood sign, Tim answered some lady's question about psycho, and then back to the hotel EXHAUSTED. Too tired for anything, so went out in search of fast food. Found a MacDonalds, which was perhaps the slowest service of all time, and we were SO out of place. Like, why have these White People come in here? Where have they come from? VAMOS.

Went for a coffee elsewhere, ran away from some tramps and that was about that.






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Location:Lexington Ave,Los Angeles,United States

Day One

Day one in LA. There is a lots of smog here, Timmy tells me. You can see it hovering about over the city. They should definitely do a horror film about the smog in LA. It could come to life and kill people.

Horribly ill, but off to universal studios. Which is BRILLIANT when we get there. You walk through this gigantic lane of shops that are all giant sized. And the park itself is brilliant. Cold air pumping out everywhere, shops everywhere, food and drink and the smell of popcorn, everywhere. Simpsons ride was wicked, as was King Kong 3D. Amazing. Terminator 2 was shockingly awful. Backlot tour was cool. That's my summation. Came back to hotel, and on the way realised that we are staying just 2 minutes away from the city's most recent shooting. So that was comforting.

After this, due to the escalating ILLNESS, I basically went to sleep. Woke up for a burger. Went back to sleep again.


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