Day Twenty Eight

In FAO Schwarz they have a Muppet Workshop, where they make REAL MUPPETS. Not the characters, but the extras. These are called Whatnots - technical term. You can design your own muppet, and they will make it for you, for a very very REASONABLE FEE.

So, because we're big fans, we decide that we both need muppets. Thus we head down to FAO to buy muppets. The whole process is brilliant - you get to design your muppet, and they have all the different elements as sticker, so you can build up the muppet, trying different looks. You then have to fill out an order form with a big feathery pen.

30 minutes later - MUPPET.

We went to a diner for these 30 mins, and when we came back our muppets were waiting for us.

Kenny and Griff.

In all honesty the majority of today was spent with the muppets. They are brilliant. Especially when you make them sing, we've discovered.

Left the Muppets for a bit, and did some SHOPPING. One of the items we bought was a suitcase, to hold (among other things) the muppets.

Packing took up quite a bit of the evening. 4 suitcases, lots of new clothes, loads of books, 1 tent, 2 sleeping bags, 1 bobble head, 2 muppets, 5 NYC posters....it was a challenge.

But when this was finished we headed back to the lovely Italian from our first night, and toasted the holiday with that glorious red wine.

Day Twenty Seven

Taxi rides in New York are hair-raising, to say the least. They drive at about 60mph, swerving past each other, slamming on the brakes, dodging pedestrians and tooting their horns at each other. They are, in a word, mental. At times you're cahooning along at 50, and you're an inch away from other cars. It's hectic. We saw one cabby nearly get in a big fight with some guy on the road. They literally got out their cars and where yelling at each other. The roads are mad.

So getting a cab to schlep us all the way from 32nd to 112th is mildly exhilarating. But we arrive, surprisingly unscathed, at the corner of 112th and 7th. And here is situated the SEINFELD RESTAURANT. This is exciting for us, it's in every episode! Especially for Timbo Big Fan. It's also the Diner Obama used to hang out at, when he was at Columbia. So it's all-round fun. We have some lovely breakfast, take some pics, and then have a little wander through the Upper West Side.

Then we headed down a bit further, to Central Park, and got coffees and walked through the park. It was sunny and warm, and busy. We sat on a bench, walked, looked at the horses. Pretty sure we saw Agyness Deyn too.

After this lost its novelty we decided to head over to the famous FAO Schwarz, to see the Big Tom Hanks Piano. FAO Schwarz is super dooper. It has so much cool stuff, and TOYS, and just loads of things to play with.

That evening we got dressed up, and headed up to 42nd Street, where we took our seats at the New Amsterdam theatre, for Mary Poppins.

Such a magical show, in a very literal sense. There were so many surprises and delights and tricks. The objects kept coming out the bag, people flew and disappeared, Mary even flew into the AUDIENCE! It was such a delight - very 'broadway'.

Still think the West End is the Champagne to Broadway's Cava, though.

But it WAS a great show. We cooed and ahhed and cheered. Afterwards we went for a steak, and more rooftop drinks.

Love that rooftop bar.




-- Post From My iPhone

Day Twenty Six

Since LA we've been watching Late Night with Jimmy Fallon - it's on after Jay Leno, and is a very popular US show. Also, very very funny. We've become quite big fans, and over the 4 weeks developed a big love for the Jimmy Fallon show - many of the jokes have crept into our daily chatter. So, we discover that Late Night with Jimmy Fallon (from henceforth LNJF) is filmed in NYC - at the NBC studios. To get tickets you need to book a month in advance, OR you can rock up on the day, early morning, and get a standby ticket, and with that there is a slim chance of getting in later on in the day.

So, because we LOVE Jimmy, and we've watched it all the way along, and because we reckon being in the audience for a TV show is prettay prettay cool, we decide to try for standby tickets.

So we got up super early and hot footed it down to 30 Rock, and the NBC Studios. We stood in a queue for a bit, and we were given standby tickets 67 and 68. Now, there are only about 140 seats, including all of the pre-booked + VIPs. So at this point we're thinking the chances of them letting in 69 standbys (thus including us) are VERY SLIM. Anyway, they tell us to come back at 4.15, and they'll be able to tell us then.

So we went about our day. Went to a really cool diner, sat in a booth, drank some coffee, pottered around, looked at the beautiful buildings, chilled out. Then, at 4ish, we meandered back to NBC.

We have to go upstairs to the cafe. They check us in, and tell us to meet downstairs outside a luggage shop.

We trek back downstairs, find the luggage shop, and lurk outside. There are masses of other people. A very small woman (literally 4ft) who works for NBC starts yelling at everyone to line up against the wall, in order of ticket number. She's not mean, but she's surprisingly loud for such a tiny person.

We stand in this line for ages, and then eventually another NBC man comes along. He's the same man who gave us our standby tickets. He explains he's going to take some of us, but not the rest.

Even the ones he takes will NOT all get through.

We are VERY TENSE.

He calls out

"Numbers 1 through 86, come with me"

AARRRGGHHHH. THERE ARE CHEERS. WE ARE INCLUDED, and thus a step closer.

He leads us up into the realms of the studios, where the employees work. We are lined up again, this time in strict numerical order. And we are very very close to the back. We stand, and wait. And wait. And wait.

He eventually returns, and calls out

"Ok, those of you definitely seeing Jimmy Fallon today are, numbers 1 through 59"

The front half of the line are cheering. We are dejected. He tells us that the front half will get their tickets and wristbands.

We think that's it, and prepare to leave. But he then turns to OUR half of the queue, and tells us that all is not lost. Once they've seated everyone they might have a few more seats, so if we stick around we might still be able to get in.

Ok, so Tim and I are now planning on coming back on Monday and trying to get in to the filming before our flight. Until they tell us that this is Jimmy's last show for TWO WEEKS, as he is preparing to host the Emmy's. It's literally now or never. So we stick it out.

We wait for what seems like forever, until someone comes back and leads us back down to another corridor. We wait.

There are six people in front of us now, but it seems completely unlikely that we will get in. A man comes back, he's holding wristbands, looks like FOUR wristbands, he starts counting people, he counts past us, the first twelve, WE ARE IN, THE FIRST TWELVE IN THE LINE ARE IN. YES. AAAAHHHAGSGAGSHFFHAGA.

Tim and I, inexplicably, are the last ones in to take our seats - some hold up at the metal detector. We take the lift with the production team. And we take our seats. The show is BRILLIANT, and includes all our favourite bits. We were both shown on NBC
and Tim even got to HIGH FIVE Jimmy at the end.

Completely awesome, and literally could NOT believe our luck!

We left the studio buzzing, went to the NBC shop and bought ourselves some celebratory T Shirts, and then had a little quick supper.

We then went to a brilliant bar, just down from our hotel, and drank red wine and cocktails late into the night, and finished up with more cocktails at our rooftop bar. Night ended about 3am.

Good Times! Whhoooo hoo!




-- Post From My iPhone

Day Twenty Five

We awoke. It was a pleasant day, so we drove to NEW YORK CITY. YES.

It was a very nice drive. The scenery was very pretty. Pennsylvania is a lovely state. We also, unexpectedly, drove through New Jersey, which cranked our state tally up to 16. This pleased us.

Here's the list:

California
Nevada
Arizona
Utah
Idaho
Wyoming
Montana
South Dakota
Minnesota
Wisconsin
Illinois
Indiana
Ohio
Pennsylvania
New Jersey
New York

What a drive! New York Skyline looming into sight, and we drove straight into the Lincoln Tunnel, and out the other side to be met by skyscrapers and honking taxi cabs.

One terrifying drive later and we're unloading our car and checking into our 32nd Street hotel. Another near fatal drive and we return our car, our faithful wonderful car, to Dollar. Final mileage 4,500. We leave him with a mixture of relief and sadness. Sad that the big drive is over, but pleased we completed everything we'd set out to do. A mixed bag of emotion, you could say.

We took a stroll down to Times Square, and around and about. I'd forgotten how amazing NYC is - everything is so tall and fast. Not tall AND fast. But things are tall, and there are other separate things that are fast.

We stopped at a little Italian restaurant, which was awesomely good. Had, like, the best Red Wine of our LIVES and whatnot. It was very very nice. Nice tablecloths and candles and good service. And brilliant brilliant food.

After a walk back down to our hotel, in the warm summer rain, we went to the rooftop bar. 5 floors above our room, bedecked in fairy lights and loomed over by the Empire State Building - it's a pretty cool place to hang out. You're literally looking right up at the Empire State. It was pretty wicked.

A great start to our last weekend.




-- Post From My iPhone

Day Twenty Four

For breakfast today I had an 'Everything Bagel'. Tim had Donuts. Very American start to the day.

We then hit the road, driving 250 miles through Pennsylvania. It was really quite pretty. Very green and lush. Lots of trees. The odd barn. We didn't see any Amish folk, which was a little disappointing. But they are probably all busy quilting.

We decided to stop at Danville, which is about 150 miles from Manhattan. We stayed at a Super 8, which was lovely (not a criminal in sight). We went for a little trip out to get Ice Cream. You know, everything is Drive Thru in America - food, liquor, pharmacies, we've seen it all. The other day we went to a drive-in fast food joint - you drive up and park, place your order at the menu-computer thing (like drive thru MacDonalds) and then they bring it out to your car. How lazy is that!

Anyway, we had a laid back evening in the room - trash American TV, reading, relaxing, preparing for NYC. Can't wait for New York now. Whhoo HOOO.




-- Post From My iPhone

Day Twenty Three

Today we fled South Bend. The hooker turned out to be hookerS. So we left the filthy pit and started the drive onwards.

There isn't too much to report today. Just driving. We are on the big drive to NYC, and we were really set back by yesterdays traffic, so we're just trying to push on as much as possible. So we drove.

Um, we stopped for ice cream, at one point. That was cool! And we wore our hats all day. That was also cool.

We're now in Ohio, at a REALLY NICE HOTEL! No dirt, no smell, no hookers.

After dinner we went out for coffee and doughnuts, which was really fun.

Tomorrow we are heading into Pennsylvania. And then on Thursday we get to MANHATTAN.







-- Post From My iPhone

Day Twenty Two

Our Chicago hotel was a little teeny tiny bit more than we had been planning to spend. We try to stick to a daily budget, you see, and the Chicago hotel may have pushed this a little bit. We decided to absorb this cost, because it meant we weren't getting shot.

So, when we checked out today, and they told us they had refunded us a whole night's rate (because of broken tv) we were PRETTY PLEASED.

WHHOOOOHOOOO.

This meant that our BRILLIANT hotel room was but $55 dollars a night!

This kicked the day off well. Then we went to the mall and bought hats! Brilliant.

Sadly the day then descended into a nightmare of standstill traffic. First getting through Chicago, then some inexplicable standstill traffic along the I-80. First traffic we have come across in 3,500 miles. I mean, neither of us have ever seen anything like it - it was just NOT MOVING. AT ALL. FOR AGES.

So a paltry 100 miles on from Chicago we decide to stop for the day. It is about 6pm by this point.

So, we stop at a place called South Bend, in Indiana. As we drive into South Bend, Indiana we see a man drinking from the sprinkler on the lawn behind MacDonald's.

This should have perhaps put us off.

But we forged on and decided to stay at Motel 6, for a cheap $42 a night. The room smelt quite bad. But we thought, HEY IT'S SO CHEAP, and so we stayed. We went down to look at the pool. Despite the water's opaque quality, and murky colour, we chose to swim regardless. When we got in we found a clump of human hair floating around, so we got out.

A few hours later, we discover that the lady staying two doors down is a prostitute. Her pimp came to visit - a lovely man called "daddy". So did a chap who had "just got out tonight" - presumably from Prison. And then quite a few more men. A stream of men, you could describe it as.

So...quite a step down from the Bellagio, you could say.

Spent the entire night in fear of stray bullets, rampaging drug addled hookers and the ubiquitous scabies mite. We vow to stay somewhere nicer tomorrow.




-- Post From My iPhone

Day Twenty One

TAKE ME OUT TO THE BALLLLL GAME
TAKE ME OUT TO THE CROWD

BASEBALL DAY.

Despite our fear that the Ball Game would be like riot day at San Quentin, we went along. Similar to Six Flags day, we felt that this could be the end. Of our lives.

We were quite quite wrong. Turns out Chicago isn't ALL ghetto. The area around Wrigley Field was all very cool lookin', and actually what I expected Chicago to be like.

The ball game was great. Very relaxed, and laid back. Everyone sitting back, chatting, basking in the sunshine, eating hot dogs, drinkin' some beers. Oh it was all very pleasant. The odd spot of cheering, some clapping, not too hectic or impassioned, just mild. Some SINGING ALONG with the brilliant ball game song

AND IT'S ONCE, TWICE, THREE TIMES YOUR OUT AT THE OLD BALL GAME.

YYYEEEEAAAAAHHHHHHH.

We, of course, sang along. Timmy knew all the words. I was a bit shoddy. Everyone stood up for it, it was quite a brilliant moment.

Here's my conclusion about Baseball, and I think I speak for TimandBex when I say this:

1. Baseball is LITERALLY Rounders

2. They are all a bit fat and slow

3. The catching and throwing is a bit rubbish

A very enjoyable afternoon. But, quite frankly, it's a bit like watching a group of middle aged overweight office workers playing rounders.

The pitcher is the exception. He was AMAZING. Like, so fast and powerful. They are brilliant.

When the game finished we pootled back to our pad, got the glad rags on and hit the TOWN.

Actually, we didn't hit the town. We went for a very lovely, civilised and fun dinner with an old friend of Tim's - Dan. Good steak, great chat, nice vino.

Chicago has redeemed itself. It's been a lovely weekend. Tomorrow we are driving to Ohio, and then on from there we are going to Punxsutawney, Scranton and then......NEW YORK CITY.




-- Post From My iPhone

Day Twenty

It is REMARKABLE that both Tim and Bex are still alive*, after driving through Chicago today. The fact we weren't shot, car hijacked, mugged, eaten or kidnapped is perhaps even MORE surprising than the apparent dodging of the scabies mite.

So, we leave from sweet little La Crosse, where people with kayaks strapped to their cars are LITERALLY talking to us randomly in petrol stations, and shop-folk are like

"Oooh, hello! Where are you from? DO YOU LIKE WISCONSIN? I so SO hope you have a safe journey" whilst patting me gently on the hand.

We drive the 280 miles to Chicago (very pretty, corn fields and red barns, all VERY nice) and we hit Chi-Town approx 5pm.

I don't know what we were expecting, pitching up to Chicago at rush hour on a Saturday night, with no place to stay and no idea of the geography of the city. But sufficed to say, it wasn't our smartest decision.

After a few hours of dodging bullets and driving away from the glint of the knives*, we decided to GET THE HELL OUT and so drove out to Skokie, where by sheer luck and chance and charm we found a room. The price was good, the location was safe, WHAT COULD BE WRONG WITH IT?

Turns out, nothing at all.

Brilliant. Has a kitchen, and EVERYTHING. It was the last room. Maybe even in all of Chicago*.

So we braved the mean streets one more time, trying to avoid eye contact with the drug dealers and pimps* and took a trip to the food mart, stocked up and holed up in the room.

GOOD TIMES. I finished my book, we had some red wine, it was brilliant. All the more brilliant due to the great appreciation we now have for LIFE after our near death experience.

Tomorrow we go to the ball game.








*slightly embellished for benefit of anecdote

*may not be completely true

*not true


-- Post From My iPhone

Day Nineteen

As we were packing up our bags, and loading them into the car, we heard the most outrageously loud sound. It was deafening, and also unpleasant - a little bit like a big metal circular saw trying to cut through iron, or steel, or something. I mean, it was SO LOUD. Just insanely loud, and horrible. We were, like

WHAT IS THAT? is it ALIENS?

No. Not aliens.

You know what it was?

They were testing the Tornado Siren.

If that went off for real, jesus it would be frightening. The actual sound ITSELF is terrifying, so add to that the prospect of a TORNADO. Kerazy. Cool thing to hear though.

Then we saw a sticker that said

"Impeach Obama"

I'm like WHAT? IMPEACH HIM? I don't think so, buddy boy. But apparently he wasn't born in USA, or something. Crazy conspiracy theorists.

Then we drove from Sioux Falls to La Crosse. The plains are so interesting that I read my book pretty solidly for the majority of the drive. I think Tim was doing the same over in the passenger seat.

Ahhhhahdhsgshssa.

So, we arrived at La Crosse, in Wisconsin (having crossed the whole of Minnesota) at about 6pm, and checked into a small little motel/guesthouse. Again, pretty filthy. If we get through this trip without contracting Scabies I'll be both shocked and delighted.

We wandered downtown for some supper. La Crosse is a lovely little town, on the Mississippi river. It's really small-town-America looking, and had a nice atmosphere. We liked it a lot - spent some time in a great second hand bookshop, bought some books, had a great dinner on plates with knives and forks, then we went to the IceCream Parlour and got ice cream, and sat outside with them. It was really very cool.

What a nice time we are having! Tomorrow we hit Chicago.




-- Post From My iPhone

Day Eighteen

Today we have driven.

We kicked off with coffee and breakfast at WALL DRUG. They lived up to their promise of free iced water and 5c coffee. They also give free coffee and doughnuts to honeymooners and Vietnam Veterans, but we were too shy to ask. And anyway, I don't like talking about 'nam too much - brings back too many memories.

HAHAHAGA.

Then we drove for 300 miles through prairie. Endless prairie. Flat, greenish, endless prairie. Dorothy came from Prairies. She went MENTAL and hallucinated a world of dwarves and flying monkeys. I can understand why.

We are staying this evening at a lovely establishment in Sioux Falls. It is but $60 a night. It's not perhaps as clean as Anns Motel, but I'm sure as long as we don't touch anything it'll be fine.

Mañana - La Crosse, Minnesota.







-- Post From My iPhone

Day Seventeen

Today was MONUMENT DAY. We left our lovely little motel, and started the big push towards Chicago. We head for
Rapid City, Sioux Falls, La Crosse and then Chicago. And then from there we pootle towards Pennsylvania to hang with the Amish.

We drove, first, to the Devil's Tower. This was the first ever National Monument. It's a big giant rock tower. In fact, it features in the film Close Encounters of the Third Kind. Which I haven't seen. But when I do see it, I'll totally recognise the big giant rock tower thing. It's a bit spooky - eery, and other worldly. Like it's come from Mars. MAYBE IT DID.

Anyway, it was cool to see. Very big, and inexplicable - I don't know how it got to look like that. The Native Anericans have a legend to do with some children and a bear. I don't know, I think it's probably some sort of erosion. But maybe they're right. WHO KNOWS.

Then we drove onwards, past about 4,500,000 bikers, to Mt Rushmore. Now, THAT is some amazing erosion! I mean, Devils Tower is just lined and sort of cylindrical. But at Mount Rushmore the erosion has somehow formed the rock into the shape of FOUR PRESIDENTS FACES!

Just joking. It was, of course, a bear who did it.

Just joking. It was, of course, a sculptor man and a team of lackeys. It's pretty impressive, and so madly patriotic. We would just never have anything like that. Can you imagine the faces of Prime Ministers carved into Portsdown Hill? Doubtful.

Anyhoo, we pottered on, past Rapid City, to a town called Wall. Wall is famous for one thing - Wall Drug. Their drugstore, turned tourist shop and cafe. We saw signs along the highway for approx 100 miles, or similar. They advertise (via brilliant vintage billboards) along 250 miles of highway. They spend $400,000 a year on advertising. And the GENIUS of it is that the billboards offer you 5c coffee and free iced water, and it works! You stop. On a good summer day they can get 20,000 visitors.

We stayed at Anns Motel, which was lovely. Very homely and comfortable, and cheap.

Tomorrow, Sioux Falls.




-- Post From My iPhone

Day Sixteen

We've had a rest day today.

We slept, we swam, we read, we watched some TV. We went to an awesome ice cream parlour. I went to a cool quilting shop.

Not much happened today, other than recuperation.

Main Street Buffalo was cool, we walked around a bit. It's very small town USA.

But mainly it was nice just to relax, and not do anything.





-- Post From My iPhone

Day Fifteen

We are now in Buffalo, 180 miles along the road from Cody. We're staying at the most brilliant motel. It's straight out of the sixties - pool out front, little motel rooms with big numbers, retro motel sign, swing seats on a lawn - so brilliant. Motel Wyoming, we love you.

The drive today took us through the fabulous Big Horn Mountains. More dramatic and wonderful scenery, very VERY wild west. It was very much like being in a western. We drove past men on horses, sheriffs and a gun fight*. We drove through small towns, and MINUSCULE towns, population 10, 25, 90...you would actually know everyone.

On the drive to Buffalo we stopped at a lake. It was about 8000ft up, in the mountains - who even knew water could accumulate at that height? Shocker. So, we stopped and scrambled down the steep little hill side to the lake. It glittered, and was partially silent. So lovely. Fearful of a bear attack, we returned pretty quickly to the safety of our vehicle.

We had a great evening at the motel. We sat outside on swing seat in sunshine, reading our books, we got salads and wine from the supermarket and chilled out in the room and watched American tv. Motel Wyo is a good place to stay.




-- Post From My iPhone

Day Thirteen

We went back to Yellowstone today, which was maybe even more exciting than the first trip, because we knew what we were going to.

If you're coming up from the south, you have to drive through Grand Teton National Park, to get to Yellowstone. Yesterday it was a clear drive through, taking about 30/40 minutes. But today, as we were driving through, we came to a hold up. Cars all stopped, and up ahead their were Park Rangers in the road. We were suspicious. COULD THIS BE AN INTERESTING PIECE OF ANIMAL?

So as we got closer, there didn't seem to be anything, and we are thinking that the rangers are just guiding the traffic, or something. AND THEN, as we edged past the Rangers, right next to the car, A MASSIVE BEAR. We stop, we hurriedly try and get a picture, but the Ranger is yelling at Tim to keep driving, tensions are high. It was awesome. The bear crossed the road behind us.

The rest of the day was almost completely devoid of wildlife. We saw about 345,000 Bison, and we were held up getting out of the park for about an hour, because of Bison in the road. But we also drove up to the Northeast Entrance, which took us through very high mountains. The views were incredible, and you can see right over the Caldera. We even watched a storm, from high up the mountain. Pretty awesome.

So, we started to head back about 6pm, very held up by the Bison. Dinner at the Lodge ends at 9.30pm, so we were now racing to get back in time. We finally made it through the Bison, and down the South Entrance Road, and back out into Grand Teton Park. And WHAT DO WE SEE, a mile or so down the road?

ANOTHER BEAR. Gently snuffling around at the roadside, digging a little hole. Some cars stopped, and a pretty calm Park Ranger dealing with the situation. We got some great footage, and lots of pictures this time. He looked sweet, to me. Not at all a violent killer.

We drove back, delighted with the Bear Spotting, and got back in time for dinner in the Saloon Bar. Red wine and Bison burgers - retribution for the traffic jam. HA.

Bear Day - brilliant.




-- Post From My iPhone

Day Fourteen

We were going to drive all the way up the left hand side today, and then back down the right hand side, then out the East Entrance towards Cody. Then we realised this would be about 220 miles. So we shortened it, a bit.

We drove up to Mud Volcano and Sulphur Cauldron. Mud Volcano is an area that is full of springs, geysers and bubbling mud pools. It's AMAZING, and beyond belief. It's just so weird and supernatural. There's this one cave that has water and smoke bubbling and billowing out of it. It's like Lord of the Rings. It's incredibly interesting and so different. Nature, at it's most raw and bizarre. Very cool indeed.

Of course, you don't think any of this at the time. Because ALL you're thinking is

"WHAT IN THE NAME OF GOD IS THIS WRETCHED SMELL?"

It is the worst stench you can POSSIBLY imagine. The strongest, most potent smell of Sulphur. Definitely what hell would smell like. It catches in your throat, and burns your nose and it just SUCKS. I can still sort of smell it, in a traumatic-sense-memory type way.

So we got back in the car, whacked the A/C on high and got outta there.

We drove to Cody. By now we are both exhausted by being wowed. I'm all wowed out. But the drive to Cody really was beautiful. Again. Very wild west - big reddish rocks, just like in the movies, and ranches. Roosevelt called the drive from Cody to Yellowstone "the best looking 50mile sidewalk in the world". Or something like that. Might not have been Roosevelt. Might have been a different Pres. But, essentially, it's SO lovely that one of the Presidents at some point commented on how good it is.

Arrived in Cody, and checked into a VERY classic Motel, and then headed downtown. It was super-wild-west. Boot shops and hat shops and saloons, all brilliantly cowboy. And real cowboys! Men in jeans and boots, clicking up and down in hats and moustaches.

It was Rodeo night, so everywhere was jammed. We went to the Irma Hotel, which was started by Buffalo Bill himself, and is pretty much as he left it. Inside the restaurant was MENTAL. Chandeliers of antlers and dead animal heads on the Walls. We had some good old fashioned American fare, and then headed back to our motel.

Another super dooper day. Tomorrow, Buffalo.







-- Post From My iPhone

Day Twelve

Today, we went to Yellowstone.







It's been one of the best days ever.

It's about 40 miles to the entrance. So, we knew it was going to be another big driving day. And my GOD, it really was. We must have driven maybe 180 miles. But it was all incredible. Every single mile was breathtaking.

We've seen so much. We started by driving up Grand Loop Road, clockwise, towards Old Faithful. We passed beautiful trees, burnt trees, lakes, streams, rivers, waterfalls, a little creek filled with water lilies, forests, mountains. This was all in the first 30 miles. The ENTIRE time Tim was on BEAR WATCH.

We hit geyser country, and started to drive past steaming geysers, all very impressive until we got to old faithful. With ice cream in hand we stood with the HUNDREDS of other people, waiting for the 3.40 eruption. And pretty much dead on time it blew. UnBELIEVABLE. God, nature RULES. It was truly awesome.

Then we drove onwards, seeing canyons and more mountains. At one point we saw three small dots on the horizon. We decided these were bears.

Then we saw a BISON. OH MY JESUS. IT WAS HUGE. It was sitting by the side of the road, just chilling out. Two U-Turns later and we had it photographed. 10 minutes down the road we basically seemed to hit Bison country. They were everywhere. At one point a Bison started walking towards the car. I went into full panic, half wound up the window, put the car into park, tried taking the handbrake off. Tim is, at the same time (Bison now RIGHT NEXT TO CAR) saying

"Don't look at it! Don't look it in the eye"

Whilst I'm trying to get our parked car moving. God only KNOWS how we would deal with a Bear.

It was just so amazing. Everytime we saw a cluster of cars stopped, we would pull over to see what they were all looking at. We saw deer and elk and bison aplenty. If we'd had Binoculars we would have also seen WOLVES.

Started the drive back a little late. Ended up driving about 100 miles in pitch dark, rain, on roads with deer prancing about like idiots. It was really intense. Couldn't really see much. It was so scary. The stuff of horror films. I think we will probably leave a bit earlier tomorrow!

Yellowstone could be the Garden of Eden. Even the light seemed different, more magical.

Can't wait to go back tomorrow.

Day Eleven

Day Eleven was a big driving day. Very big. So we pottered around, had a Starbucks and hit the road at a casual midday. We then drove and drove and DROVE. Through beautiful Utah, with it's stunning mountains, so massive and green and craggy. Utah really is amazing.

And then we hit Idaho, which was also pretty awesome, and then Wyoming. We left the highway and drove single lane roads through fields and hills, massive open expanses of land. It became very wild west, men wearing Wranglers and driving trucks. We passed rodeos and horses and ranches. We passed crazy houses just built out in fields. It all felt very remote. It was quite incredible. Again, beautiful.

We drove for 325 miles, and then realised that our lodge was another 18 miles. We finally arrived, at our magnificent lodge, got into our pretty little wooden room, and looked out the window at the mountains beyond. So idyllic. And then, after a wholesome meal in the Grizzly Steakhouse, we slept. 350 miles is a long old way.




-- Post From My iPhone

Day Ten

Day Ten has been spiritual. Mega spiritual. Drove into Salt Lake City. Or, as we locals call it, SLC.

We parked on 200 South. To pay for the car park we had to find the number of the space, and then go to this strange machine, and poke the money into the correct numbered slot. Picture below. Madness.

It was a fun day. We had lunch at this cool southern themed cafe, and they served po'boys and drinks in jam jars. It was great, sitting outside. Tim ordered something called a 'trash plate'. Basically just a big pile of delicious FAT, cheeseysausageypotatoeyeggy goodness.

Went for a little walk, got accosted by about 19 homeless people, then pottered back to Temple Square to check out the Mormon-Fest. Temple Square is a massive space, in downtown SLC that is walled. Inside there are various big buildings. It's very peaceful, but slightly creepy. Lots if good Mormon volunteers, all walking around starting conversations with people, and SMILING. Timmy and I kept our heads down, lest we were converted.

In one room there is a massive statue of Jesus, and the walls are painted like space, with planets and clouds and stars. And there are sofas, and armchairs, so you can sit there, with Jesus. And then a VOICEOVER comes on, and it's JESUS! Telling us all stuff about being good, and whatnot. Quite unique.

When we came out I relaxed a bit by doing a silly walk. It helped shake off the god.

And then we came back to Lehi, did some laundry, chilled out a bit, preparing for Yellowstone tomorrow. Then, on Sky News, we discover a BEAR RAMPAGE attack has happened, AT A YELLOWSTONE CAMPSITE. UNPROVOKED ATTACK, on tents in a very populated campsite. Um, terrified much? So we then spent about 2 hours trying to find alternative accommodation. Somewhere with, like, walls and a door. It would be pretty tragic if we were eaten by a bear. So we are now staying at a lodge. It's super nice.

Day Nine

Day Nine was simple, and pleasant. It involved some nice driving. Good, straight and empty roads. Lots of opportunity for the wondrous cruise control. My word, what a brilliant invention. Who came up with cruise control? Genius.

The landscape was, again, pretty mind blowing. Great expanses of open plains, surrounded by these gigantic mountains. The driving is just a complete delight, because of the VIEWS. You just don't get bored of looking at the landscape. It's AMAZING. The sky looks much bigger, somehow.

We stopped at a little service station. It had mounted deer heads on the walls. Weird. And outside there were two native Americans selling jewellery. I bought a bracelet, mainly out of guilt for stealing their land. Fun.

So, Timbo and I stopped at Lehi, about 30 miles south of Salt Lake City. We booked into a Days Inn and headed out to a Tepanyaki restaurant. They sat us at a SHARED TABLE. ARRRRGGGGHHHGHHHH. THE HORROR. WE ARE ENGLISH. WE DO NOT LIKE SHARING TABLES.

So we left. Had a super chilled evening, watched some late night talk shows. Love the Late Night TV.




-- Post From My iPhone

Day Eight

We left the Bellagio today, which was a little bit sad. It's been totally wicked staying there, so it was a shame to leave. But 4 days in Vegas is ALL you need, and it was definitely time to vamos. So we left, and started the long drive to Fresno.

About 40 miles along the road we stopped for some fuel, some water, some food, you know, general supplies before hitting the desert. Over our Carls Jr lunch we were like

"So. This drive to San Fran is basically going backwards 700 miles, innit?"

"Yeah babes, it is"

"Shall we not go? Shall we just drive north instead?"

"Yes, let's do THAT. Let's go and visit the Mormans."

So that was that, and we headed north, towards Salt Lake City. We drove through the vast desert landscape of Nevada, hit the massive rock formations of Arizona and headed straight through to the mountains of Utah. The state motto is "Life is Elevated", I suppose because they have a lot of mountains. The drive has been incredible. At one point we were driving through this massive rock mountain, and the road was cleaved into it, looming up on either side. It was honestly mind blowing. There wasn't a moment of anything average. It was all epic and eye popping.

We stopped in Cedar City, which is about 200 miles from SLC. It's a nice place, surrounded by mountains. We had a very chilled out evening.

We went to Walmart. That could almost warrant it's own post. It sold everything. Rifle? Yep. Machete? Quilting Equipment? Yep. Flash Drives in an assortment of colours? Yep. Jesus. American supermarkets RULE.




-- Post From My iPhone

Day Seven

Today we did practically nothing. Had another slightly extravagant breakfast. The ordering process is amazing. They answer the phone KNOWING who you are

"Hello Miss Baxter, and how can we help you today?"

"Two American Breakfasts please, thank you"

"OK, and with the first American Breakfast how would you like your eggs?"

"What are the options?"

"Scrambled, poached, coddled, baked, sunny side up, over easy..."

"Ooh, so I'll have poached please"

"Would you like them poached soft, medium or hard?"

"Err, medium, please"

"And what meat would you like with your breakfast? Ham, bacon or sausage?"

"Um, I think sausage please"

"OK Miss Baxter, and what bread would you like with this? We have granary, wheat, bran mufffin, English muffin, bagel..."

"I'll have a bagel please"

"What kind of Bagel would you like? We have poppy, plain, sesame, onion, Cinnamon..."

"Ok, so I think I'll have sesame please. Thank you"

"Would you like that toasted?"

"Yes"

"Would you like cream cheese with that?"

Jesus Christ

"No, thank you"

"And would you like coffee or tea with that?"

Good god.

"Coffee, please"

"Decaffeinated?"

"No. Caffeinated."

I cannot believe what is happening.


"And would you like Orange Juice or Grapefruit Juice"

"Orange"

"Ok Miss Baxter. And would you like Iced Water and a free newspaper with your Breakfast?"

"Yea. Yes please."

"Ok. And for the second American Breakfast, what kind of eggs would you like...."

I mean, honestly this is basically a transcript. This is HONESTLY how many choices there were. The service at Bellagio is beyond anything I've ever seen. Or heard. Or experienced.

So we pottered about, did a bit of gambling, had some Cobb salad. Then in the evening we went to see Penn and Teller. Who were AWESOME. At one point they made goldfish appear in empty water. Amazing. They did loads of tricks, they were all super cool. And then at the end they wait in the lobby, and you can meet them. So we had our picture taken with both Penn and Teller, which was groovy.

We wandered back to our hotel, did some roulette, broke EVEN, and that was that. Another brilliant day - our first day as married people.




-- Post From My iPhone

Wedding Day

We have woken to a flurry of texts and emails and messages, all so loving and wonderful. It's very cool to be here just the two of us, but it's so nice to feel connected to everyone.

Change of tense: from Present to Past

Ordered breakfast to our room, which was mega bloody classy. It comes in on a table, with lids and stuff. Jesus, to be rich all the time must be so brilliant. Room service RULES.

We opened our lovely cards. We threw confetti about for a bit, we read all the lovely messages, we ate. Such a lovely card from El Tel and Sue, filled with confetti and sparklers and a little (large!) something extra for champagne. Then the (more) CHAMPAGNE arrived, from the mums, brought in by a man in a waistcoat. Such a great surprise. Also added to the general feeling of opulence quite a bit.

And then we just lounged about, until about 3 when we pottered out to across the street, wandered around the most magical mall ever. They had made it seem like you were outside, with this amazing sky ceiling, and one point there was a thunder storm, and REAL RAIN fell! Honestly, who needs culture and history when you have brilliant shopping centres with fake lightning?

So, meandered back to the room and I IRONED. Not for the first time ever, but certainly for the first time in recent memory. Wasn't too bad. And, you know what? The dress looked BETTER! Unbelievable.

We got ready (40 minutes of hair preening essentially pointless when i realised I didn't have hair spray - low point) we drank some champers and went down to meet our car. A big White stretch limo. It was wonderfully camp, and ostentatious. It was also wonderfully air-conditioned, which is super.

And THEN we arrived at The Little White Wedding Chapel. You know what it was covered in? um, FAIRY LIGHTS. BRILLIANT.

Then we "checked in". All hilariously efficient. Esmerelda (probably on her 55th wedding of the day) was like

"That will be $120 please. Would you like the blue garter or the red? Here is your Rose, give it to her and kiss her on the cheek. Come with me to meet your minister. Have a nice day."

All delivered over a counter. Hilarious.

Our minister was well cool. He seemed wise, and angelic, and godly. I think he was taken aback when we turned down the option for a prayer.

So, then we got hitched, standing up through the sunroof of the limo. It was completely and utterly perfect. Perfect perfect perfect. Married. Amazing.

And then our perfect wedding was followed by a perfect dinner, and more champagne.

An incredible day.







-- Post From My iPhone

Day Five

WEDDING LICENSE DAY. We went to the Marriage Bureau today. We filled out our forms in pencil, which in itself was mildly interesting. Pencil? How chilled out. Then we got our documents. It was insanely exciting. It was also the most simple process ever. We've been to Macdonalds that have taken longer. We documented the process with a lot of photographs. Strangely everyone else seemed quite serious, even morose. They weren't smiling or bounding or photographing at all! Why? Why? What's wrong with them?

Then we went to the Mall, bought our wedding rings, saw a pimp, drank some lemonade and came back to the room, dolled up then headed out to New York New York. Tim tipped the man at the taxi rank, like a GANGSTER, it was really cool.

Great dinner at Il Fornaio, sat out on New York street. It was brilliant. And then Tim did some more tipping - straight into the palm of the waiter!

Brilliant day.

Day Four

Today we drive to Las Vegas. The hills, coming out of LA were pretty awesome. Very grand. It made me think of all those poor migrant workers who trekked through California for work.

Then it turns into desert, and THAT made me think of that crazy lunatic in The Stand who walks through the desert and gets radiation poisoning.

The desert went on for a long time, and it is really really really hot. Unbelievably hot, bake you from the inside hot, ROASTING HOT. MAN, it's hot. But it's also just awe inspiring vastness. There is so much empty space, filled with just sand and rock and heat. It's a bit frightening. I feel it's full of danger and horrors.

I put my fingers out the window, at one point, to test the air. Tim accidentally closed the window on them. This is probably why you're always told as a child to keep your hands INSIDE THE CAR. It was very traumatic. Although, the excitement of the drive and destination totally outweighed the mashed up fingers. I pretty much forgot them quite quickly. One of them has started creaking, though.

Arriving into Vegas is pretty bewildering. It just seems so totally bizarre to build ANYTHING, let alone all these gigantic structures. Arriving at the Bellagio was quite dazzling. It's AMAZING. Like, mega mega plush. I LOVE IT. Tim loves it also. We bounced around our PLUSH room for a while and then hit the strip, dolled up. Obviously after playing with all the cool gadgetry and perks of the room. Opening and closing the curtains, for instance. When we got back the maids had tidied everything, laid out chocolates and put JAZZ on. It was like having really kind ghosts.

Vegas is completely crazy, but fun. We like it here, in a sort of outside-looking-in type way.





-- Post From My iPhone

Day Three

We went to Six Flags today. On the way to Six Flags it felt as though I was being driven to my death. The long slow walk to execution. But, actually, it was super fun! Jesus, those rollercoasters are fucking big.

But there weren't many queues at all, and we went on quite a few. They are enormous though. I was also frightened by the roaming gangs. On our way in, standing behind a man who was almost certainly carrying a gun, Tim was like, 'let's not piss anyone off today...'. Thus I was convinced if the rollercoasters weren't going to get me, then I was PROBABLY going to be shot.

It was so hot I think my shoes melted a little bit.




-- Post From My iPhone

Day Two

Hollywood Day.

We went to the Hollywood and Highlands Mall. This is on the Walk of Fame. All very large and shiny, like everything here. So, due to the crazy waking up early madness, we were there at about 8am. So we wander, we stop for a little coffee. We listen to some idiot at the next table banging on about something, I have some delicious whipped iced coffee concoction, it's all very nice. Then we meandered down the walk of fame, looking at the stars. Honestly? Seem slightly pointless. We went in a number of crazy souvenir shops, then found Grumans Chinese Theatre. That was fun. Clint Eastwood has GIGANTIC hands. Ginger Rogers had teeny tiny little feet. I took my flip flop off to illustrate, and by doing so nearly burnt my foot. But, whatevs. So, throughout all of this I feel like I'm literally dying of some terrible disease, as the cold I'm suffering is VILE.

Then I stepped in some gum. Very tricky with flip flops. Very sticky half melted gum. All over foot. Tim mocked me.

Then we went to a hat shop and a gun shop. Both were enjoyable. Only purchased from the gun shop though. Unfortunately I passed on a rather wonderful hat. Idiot. Timbo also could not find the right hat. So he also bought from the gun shop. Tshirts, of course. Not guns. Although mine does have a gun ON it.

Lunch at Mel's Diner. Bloody brilliant. Juke boxes on the tables, booths, milkshake, the whole caboosle. Timbo was practically struck mute with glee. He bought another tshirt to celebrate the excellence of the place.

Bit of shopping, bit of queuing, saw the Hollywood sign, Tim answered some lady's question about psycho, and then back to the hotel EXHAUSTED. Too tired for anything, so went out in search of fast food. Found a MacDonalds, which was perhaps the slowest service of all time, and we were SO out of place. Like, why have these White People come in here? Where have they come from? VAMOS.

Went for a coffee elsewhere, ran away from some tramps and that was about that.






-- Post From My iPhone

Location:Lexington Ave,Los Angeles,United States

Day One

Day one in LA. There is a lots of smog here, Timmy tells me. You can see it hovering about over the city. They should definitely do a horror film about the smog in LA. It could come to life and kill people.

Horribly ill, but off to universal studios. Which is BRILLIANT when we get there. You walk through this gigantic lane of shops that are all giant sized. And the park itself is brilliant. Cold air pumping out everywhere, shops everywhere, food and drink and the smell of popcorn, everywhere. Simpsons ride was wicked, as was King Kong 3D. Amazing. Terminator 2 was shockingly awful. Backlot tour was cool. That's my summation. Came back to hotel, and on the way realised that we are staying just 2 minutes away from the city's most recent shooting. So that was comforting.

After this, due to the escalating ILLNESS, I basically went to sleep. Woke up for a burger. Went back to sleep again.


-- Post From My iPhone